


Suffering at the thought of you

by BadBatch (Forever_Cynical)



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23669653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forever_Cynical/pseuds/BadBatch
Summary: Yennefer lives a domestic bland life with Geralt and Ciri in a cottage in the woods. Her life is blown apart when Triss Merigold appears, tears streaming down her face. She utters three words Yennefer never wanted to hear.Tissaia is dead.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Philippa Eilhart/Triss Merigold, Sabrina Glevissig/Triss Merigold, Tissaia de Vries/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Comments: 13
Kudos: 116





	Suffering at the thought of you

**Author's Note:**

> So this takes from the books, the game and the TV series. There is spoilers here so tread lightly if you don't want to know what will eventually happen in the show.

She’s in bed with the Witcher when she finds out what has happened to Tissaia. His arms hold her against his chest tightly. She supposes that this is supposed to make her feel safe, that she she should be feeling safe. She is however left feeling empty, left feeling lonely, in a warm bed where she feels like she doesn’t belong. She wouldn’t call her life with Geralt and Ciri domesticated. There is nothing much domestic about slaying monsters and helping villagers out with magic. She wanted this. She wanted a life of love. So why does she feel so alone? Why does her heart ache every time his hands are on her. Every time his eyes take in her body and he smiles, the I love you always following soon after. She stopped replying years ago. Stopped lying to him. She loves Geralt. He is a kind man who has been just as broken as she has been. She isn’t in love with him. She tied to be. Tried to make herself all of the feelings one if supposed to be feel when you love fall in love. She even tried potions. Her body resisted each and everyone she sampled. When Triss bursts through their bedroom door, eyes red raw, hands clenched into fists she assumes the worst. She assumes they are being attacked. She still has nightmares about sodden. _You still have so much left to give._ She feels sick. She can’t understand what Triss is saying at first. She’s sobbing too hard, apologising too much. Geralt tries to calm her down and Ciri runs from the room more of a woman than a child now. She walks over to Triss and takes her face in her hands, willing her to calm down so she can just explain to Yennefer what is wrong and how she can fix it. Then she hears it. Three words that shatter her existence entirely.

_Tissaia is dead._

She isn’t sure what happens after that. There are days where she can’t recall what she’s done or who she’s been with. Days she spent in bed and she’s sure that it Geralt’s arms around her, pleading with her to eat or get up but she can’t bring herself to move. Days where Ciri sits down next to her. Where she talks but the words don’t seem to reach Yennefer’s ears. She only lets herself cry when its Triss who wraps her arms around and sobs into her back. She knows that Triss blames herself and she isn’t sure what to say. She wants to say that they both played a part in this. She wants to blame Phillipa and Vilgefortz. She wants to scream and set fire to the fields that surround the small cottage she and Geralt reside in. She just can’t bring herself to move. She is struck by grief, it is all she can feel and in that moment grief is all that she is. She hasn’t seen Tissaia in years. She has heard word through the Lodge. Through Phillipa and her schemes. Tissaia stayed neurtal, as did she. She was pulled into the Lodge though but somehow Tissaia escaped commitment to either side. Both used her as pawns. She let is happen. Triss let it happen. Sabrina.. they all did. They all failed her.

Soon she and Triss are leaving for Aretuza. Sabrina awaits them there. All three agreed that they would attend and pick up any belongings that she had left there. They wanted them removed before Margarita completely took over her room, her study and Yennefer thinks bleakly, her life. They portal their way straight into their former teachers room and Yennefer is surrounded by the woman’s smell. Parchment mixed with blackberries. She takes a deep breathe and lets memories surround her. She remembers the small soft smiles. The first time she heard Tissaia laugh. The first time she heard her really laugh with the small snort at the end. The weighted stares. The small hand touches. The way Tissaia’s lips felt against hers. The look on her face as Yennefer left the first time and only time they spent the night together all of those years ago. After sodden. When Yennefer had lost her sight and she had spent the night tracing the woman’s face and body. She never should have left. She never should have been so afraid of her feelings. She left. She betrayed her for what? For Phillipa to be ordering her about, for Philipa to be hurting Triss, for Geralt and a life of safety and passionless sex?

She doesn’t realise she’s sobbing until she feels Sabrina wrapping her arms around her and pulling her in. She can’t remember ever being in Sabrina’s arms before this. She can feel Sabrina tears in her neck, falling from her eyes. The three are united here in their grief. They have all in ways broken each others trust or hurt each other over the years. Triss and Yennefer. Yennefer and Sabrina. Sabrina and Triss. They’d all forgotten their friendships at times but right now, right here, they were together. She breaks away and smiles at the blonde woman in front of her. They greet each other but she notices how Triss and Sabrina don’t embrace. She doesn’t press them. Now is not the time. She walks over to Tissaia’s desk and notes that her pipe is in the same place. She picks it up and smiles. She remembers Tissaia smoking at her desk, eyebrow arched at Yennefer, sweet puffs of smoke around them.

“She used to come to me for herbs you know.” Triss breaks the silence, Yennefer and Sabrina both turn to her.

“What?” Yennefer asks amused. “You mean..”

“Oh yes, wasn’t just tobacco she smoked.” Triss giggles and Yennefer can still see the tears shining in her eyes.

“When she would come to court to visit me, she would always bring this sherry with her, it as clearly ages old but damn that woman could drink, it was like she had a wooden leg at times.” Sabrina added laughing. “Many a time, she would drunkenly have to help me to my room after trying to beat her in a drinking contest.”

“She came to visit you at court?” Sabrina cringed slightly at Yennefer’s question, knowing the other mage would be saddened.

“Yes, occasionally, she talked about you sometimes.” Sabrina shook her head. “I think she was too afraid to visit you, especially after Sodden.”

“I see.” Yennefer let out a painful breath. Her heart ached.

“The last time I saw her was after the coup, she looked so broken, I tried to apologise but what could I say, sorry I let Phillipa use you in our play for power, sorry Vilgefortz let you down, sorry we threw everything you taught us back in your face.” Sabrina sat down on the chair behind Tissaia’s desk, a despairing pain etched on her face. “Fucking Philipa, I wish I’d never listened.”

“We can’t just blame her in this, the last time I saw her she had helped Geralt and I escape, I could have helped her, begged her to stay, I didnt.” Triss shook her head and was startled by Sabrina slamming her hand on the table.

“Of course you’d choose to stick up for her wouldn’t you Merigold, suppose you can’t get your head out from between her thighs for more than five seconds to see that without her this wouldn’t have happened!” Sabrina screamed at Triss, tears once again streaming down her face.

“Fuck you Sabrina, I haven’t been with Phillipa for a long time and who is to say it wouldn’t have happened, who is to say you wouldn’t of taken her place?” Triss spat back.

“I would never have thrown Tissaia away like she had, never, not after Sodden, not after she helped with those awful ear worms.” Sabrina sat back down slowly, clenching her eyes. “Not after she helped with the nightmares, not after that, she was my friend, my mentor and I loved her.”

“Sabrina.” It was evident that Triss longed to go to Sabrina to offer her comfort but couldn’t.

“We all loved her.” Yennefer sighed, looking around the former Rectoress’s desk.

“Some more than others.” The blonde looked up at Yennefer. “She told me, about after Sodden, she was drunk and sad, she never acknowledged it after that.”

“What is she talking about Yenn?” Triss asked moving closer and placing a cautious hand on the desk near Sabrina.

“After Sodden, I found my way back here, blind, alone, I was terrified and the only place I could think of going was to her.” Yennefer couldn’t look at them. “She tried her best to help me, for days, we grew closer, building on what was already there and then we fell into bed and..she told me she loved me and I replied the same.” Her throat felt tight. “Then I ran, I left and I only ever saw her in passing.”

“You broke her heart?” Triss narrowed her eyes at Yennefer. “You just left?”

“I do not think you’re one to judge Triss.” Sabrina spat from her seat.

“This was a mistake.” Triss shook her head. “We shouldn’t have met up.”

“I have every right to still be angry Triss, I have every right to hurt when I see you.” Sabrina stood once more and walked towards Triss. “You left me, much like the way Yennefer left Tissaia and I suppose in the way I got to watch you with our beloved owl leader, Tissaia got to watch Yennefer with Geralt.”

“I know you do, I know you have a right to be angry but I cannot cope with you being angry at me right now and cope with my grief over Tissaia.” Triss shook her head and her body began to rack with sobs. “This is my fault, I could of stopped Philipa, could of convinced her to leave Tissaia, she died alone Sabrina, she died alone by her own hand.” Sabrina’s shoulders dropped and her anger faded as she pulled Triss in for a tight hug.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Sabrina shook her head. “We all had our parts to play in this, all of us.”

Yennefer stood frozen. In her grief she hadn’t asked how Tissaia had died or maybe she hadn’t heard her when Triss has told her. She remembered sitting in that tiny room in Aretuza. She remembered the mirror smashing and the glass against her wrist as she cut. Soft hands wrapping bandages around her. Saddened eyes. _You weren’t taking control, you were losing it._ Tissaia had lost control over everything. She had felt Aretuza slipping away, the influence she had over the brotherhood was fading, the coup, Phillipa, Yennefer and Sabrina. Control was what Tissaia craved. Everything she did was controlled. The way she dressed, the way she spoke. The only time Yennefer had every witnessed her losing control was when they had laid together in bed. Hands all over each other. Mouths fused together. They had all turned their backs on her in the name of the Lodge but maybe Yennefer had turned hers first for Geralt.

“She loved you Yenn, until the very end, I always got that impression from her.” Sabrina said as stepped back, wiping the tears away from Triss’s eyes.

“I loved her too, I never stopped.” Yennefer swallowed. “I never stopped.”

“I think she knew that.” Sabrina answered. “Tissaia was too smart not to know.”

“I should never have left her that night.” Yennefer felt Triss grab her hand and squeeze tightly.

“We all have our regrets but for tonight, lets remember Rectroress De Vries for who she was.” Triss grinned. “A beautiful, witty, fearsome woman with a love of herb.”

They sat in Tissaia’s office for hours. A bottle of Tissaia’s favourite Sherry and Triss’s finest herb to keep them company. They passed round Tissaia’s pipe and all of them shared stories of the former Rectoress. Sabrina and Yennefer talked of watched Tissaia control lightening, Triss talked of seeing a softer side of the woman when she was taught by her. They all talked off Sodden and how strong the woman remained even after she had been poisoned. She could still smell Tissaia. She closed her eye and remembered her, walking around the office, shuffling papers. She was like a ghost in this office now. _Piglet, Piglet, Piglet._ She could hear the words in her ears. She could fell her hand on her shoulder. The room moved around her as the remembered her love, the woman she had left all those years ago. She wished she could have loved her like she deserved, without fear.

“Yenn.” Sabrina called out to her. “You might want to see this.”

She hissed as Sabrina through a leather bound book at her and it hit her in the stomach. She stuck her finger up as Sabrina mumbled apologies and Triss stifled drunken laughter at the sight of Yennefer getting hurt. For a moment she let herself forget that they were gathered old cold stone floor to remember the woman they had both loved who had perished by taking her own life. She let herself forget for one moment, until she opened the book. The book it seemed was a diary. Its pages enchanted, every time she skipped to the last page, another appeared. She smiled. Of course Tissaia would want only one book to write down her thoughts. She looked through the pages and found herself struck by a drawing. It was off Yennefer. Every few pages she found a new one. Drawings of her before she was transformed into the beauty she was today. Drawings after. A few of Triss and Sabrina. Fringilla even. She even found a small cartoonish drawing of Stregabor being set on fire. She gasped as she found one of herself asleep, covers barely containing her naked form. The night they had slept together. She traced the picture of herself before. She looked at the words underneath it. Five words. _“My greatest achievement, her love”_ Yennefer shut the diary quickly and held it close before her breathing became laboured and the room began to spin. Her heart wouldn’t slow down. She couldn’t ground herself. She could feel her friend’s arms around her.

Then it all went black.

She stayed in Aretuza for the week in Tissaia’s bed. She sent a letter to Geralt explaining she wouldn’t be back. She couldn’t go back. She sent one to Ciri explaining herself, being more honest than she had been in years. She hoped one day they would both forgive her. She couldn’t return. She couldn’t waste any more years hiding. Triss and Sabrina had both left. Both had to return to their lives before their grief had lead them into an office in Aretuza. She saw the lingering glances they both gave each other, the soft touches of their hands. She hoped they found their way back to each other. She had time could really heal their wounds because maybe then there would be hope for her too. She knew this loss would never heal. She would never forgive herself for what she had done to Tissaia nor what the Lodge had done. Before she left on her journey. She didn’t know where she was going but she knew she couldn’t stay here and she couldn’t return to Geralt.

She settled on visiting Skellige. She hadn’t been in many years and she thought the breeze of the oceans that surrounded it would calm her thinking. She found herself renting a room in the local tavern and helping the residents out for coin, like she had done in her earlier years. She had been their a month before she received a letter from Ciri, luckily the girl was somewhat understanding even if Yennefer could feel her anger through her words for leaving Geralt. She had no word from him though she didn’t expect to receive anything. It seemed Yennefer was rather good at leaving people in bed and never returning. She had received word from Triss who had let slip in her writings that Sabrina was visiting and that brought her joy. She was glad to see her friends may be able to make something out of the aches of this situation. After she had wrote Triss back she had decided to walk out through the woods. She needed to gather more herbs. She thought of asking Triss to send some but she had settled on trying to do this herself. She walked out of the tavern and through the busy streets, greeting people as she walked by. She tried to keep her head down most days. Long gone were her days of adventure. She walked through the woods sighing as she picked up every herb. She wasn’t sure if she was happier here than she was with Geralt but she supposed she could at least be grateful that she was living more of an honest life.

She thought of Tissaia everyday. There wasn’t a day that went by where her thoughts wouldn’t stray to the woman. She had carefully removed the page from the diary and had the pictured framed. She couldn’t help it. It wasn’t so much the drawing but the writing below it. She had never thought her love being anyone’s achievement but it had meant so much to Tissaia. She had read that diary inside and out. Had read angry words about herself, heartbroken words, she had read her final writings. She didn’t know if she could have done anything to save her or if even Tissaia would have let her. She let out a breathe as she approached an opening. She found a small wooden cabin. It looked like it had been there for years but had recently been retouched. She walked towards it out of her own curiosity. If she did indeed plan to stay in Skellige she would eventually need somewhere to live. She stepped onto the wooden porch and began to try and enter the cabin when she felt someone behind her.

“Can I help you?” The voice behind her said cautiously.

“Sorry, I didn’t know anyone resided here and I guess curiosity got the better of me.” Turning around quickly, Yennefer felt her soul leave her body.

“Of course you managed to find me, I can’t even fake my death without you bothering me can I Yennefer.” Tissaia huffed, her hair was tied behind her in an untidy pony tail, she wore leather riding trousers and a plain white shirt.

“You can’t be..you’re not.” Yennefer shook her head.

“Sentences are usually important for communication Yennefer.” Tissaia huffed moving passed her and opening the door. “Well come in, you’ve found me.”

Yennefer followed the older woman in astonishment. Tissaia. Her Tissaia. She was here. In a cabin. In Skellige. She watched as Tissaia put down a bag of food on the counter in the kitchen. A small black cat appeared and walked over to Tissaia purring and brushing up against the woman.

“You have a cat.” Yennefer stated looking down at the small creature.

“Yes, I have a cat.” Tissaia confirmed looking down and smiling softly. “Meet Lilith.”

“You’re alive and you have a cat.” Yennefer still looked astonished.

“I am alive, I do have a cat and a cabin in the woods where no one should have been able to find me but apparently you, Yennefer.” Tissaia sighed as she walked over to the woman, moving her into the living room and sitting her down. “How did you find me?”

“I didn’t, I was out looking for herbs.” Yennefer looked at her, pain flooding her as she looked at the woman she long thought dead. “I thought you were dead, I mourned you, we all did.”

“Oh did you.” Tissaia scoffed. “Triss and Sabrina I assume?”

“Yes, all three of us, we cleared out your room, we spent the night remembering you.” She felt sick, this couldn’t be Tissaia.

“Its me Yennefer, you’re projecting your thoughts.” The older woman looked at her. “I’m alive.”

“I hate you.” Yennefer suddenly snarled. “I fucking detest you, how could you do this to us.” Fire raged in the pit of her stomach. “How could you do this to me, I mourned you, my heart broke, I left my entire life behind because I couldn’t cope with your loss, because I spent my whole life lying about how I felt about you, I loved you, I loved you and you died, you left me, you left me but you’re alive and you lied!”

“You left me first!” Tissaia seethed. “Don’t you dare come in here talking about you I hurt you, you hurt me, you left, you and your sisters used me as a bloody pawn Yennefer, I was played by both sides and all I wanted was to remain neutral and protect my girls!”

“We did wrong but we didn’t want you to die, we just wanted the power to move to us!” Yennefer argued. “The brotherhood left us with nothing!”

“Oh I suppose Philipa is the prime person to be the leader, she is nothing but another Stregabor she only cares for herself, I tried to get through to Triss but she couldn’t see anything but her own heart, Sabrina too, too wounded by Triss’s betrayal to see the real issue and you, you were too busy playing house with a Witcher and a princess!” Tissaia raged.

“You do not get to bring Ciri into this!” Yennefer grabbed Tissaia by the shoulders. “Your death crippled me, I felt nothing but pain, I feel nothing but pain, I thought you’d gone, I thought I’d never see you, never touch you, never kiss you, never hold you, never be angry at you again.”

“Who says you get to do any of those things now?” Tissaia tried to remove Yennefer’s hands but Yennefer pulled her forward and kissed her harshly.

Tissaia struggled at first, trying to get Yennefer away from her. She pushed at her but Yennefer held onto her. Kissing her again and again. Tears falling from her eyes. Tissaia gave in soon after. She kissed back passionately. She wrapped her arms around Yennefer’s waist and pulled her in closer. They broke eventually and Yennefer leant her forehead on Tissaia’s.

“I hate you.” Yennefer sniffled.

“No you don’t piglet.” Tissaia chuckled.

“No I don’t.” Yennefer smiled sadly, before looking down and catching the deep cuts on Tissaia’s wrists. “How, how did you survive?”

“I drank a potion that caused my blood to clot, another to make it seem that my heart had slowed enough that I was dead.” Tissaia shrugged. “Knew the idiots would bury me and eventually I’d be able to break myself out of a coffin.”

“Just casually break out of a coffin?” Yennefer rolled her eyes.

“Don’t do that its rude.” Tissaia tapped her on the shoulder and Yennefer couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m happy I’ve found you, even if I never forgive you for this.” Yennefer leant back on the sofa and looked at Tissaia who seemed more relaxed in years. “I will be telling Triss and Sabrina and before you say it, Philipa is out of the picture for Triss.”

“Sabrina?” Tissaia asked, smiling slightly.

“Sabrina.” Yennefer confirmed reaching up and cupping Tissaia’s cheek. “I’m not leaving here, I’m not giving you the chance to run.”

“You are the runner, Yennefer.” Tissaia arched her eyebrow.

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you looking at me like that Tissaia.” She watched as Tissaia blushed. “I’m not leaving, I can’t, please don’t ask me to.”

“I won’t but this won’t be easy Yennefer, I need to trust you and you need to trust me and trust between us at the moment isn’t at its best.” Tissaia leant forward and pressed her lips to Yennefer’s.

“I don’t care about easy, I care you about you, I want this.” Yennefer said breaking the kiss. “You told me once I have so much to give and I didn’t realise it until it was too late, I want to give everything I have to you.”

“Yennefer.” Tissaia whispered before kissing her again.

Yennefer found herself in a cabin in a woods in Skellige. Her former dead Rectoress in her arms, kissing her. She smiled.

Much better than a cottage in the woods with a Witcher.


End file.
